Thoughts from the Harvest Crusade

I went to my first Harvest Crusade in 1991 or 1992 at the Pacific Ampitheater. Then again the first year it was at Angel Stadium. But I have not gone since... I've tried to go a few times the past three years but something always came up.

This year I was determined.

Of course, I AM a Christian so I would not be making my way down to the field.... but I just wanted to go because Michael W Smith was going to be there on Sunday August 17. *silly grin*. Even knowing Compass had a beach bonfire thingy. Yes, silly. Yes, childish. Yes, selfish. So I made plans with a gal I know to meet on Sunday and she said "You should sit with 'us' though I don't know who all is going to be there." I said "Sure." Now this was a huge risk to go somewhat blindly for many reasons, but none I care to explore, at least publicly. :)

After an insanely horrible week [I prefer not to dwell on it, my thoughts are quite positive right now], I called my friend on Thurs and told her I'd be there on Fri night. I went for purely selfish reasons, because I needed someone or something to comfort me. God showed me quite a few things, including how a born again Christian CAN and often times DOES get spoken to at these!

I realized how much some of the people I was with has changed in the 9 months it has been since seeing them. But, more importantly, I realize how much I have changed. And I have seen it with my own eyes. For ME to see something and realize something pertaining to me there must be a huge change that has occurred. I am often my own worst enemy, but I'm no different than any other human being who is just as critical of themself.

I used to be a terrified person. Not just terrified, paranoid. Paranoid if a group of people looked over in my direction, they were talking about me. And only me. Paranoid that if I said something stupid (yeah, like THAT ever happens... hehe) or said it with the wrong tone of voice, people would hate me and never talk to me again. Paranoid that if I talked to a "gasp!" guy, he would automatically think I'm in love with them. Over the past few months, reading different things and being counseled by a pastor who I can now say is a friend, I realize the only thing or person to fear is the one who can destroy the body AND the soul. Doesn't matter that numerous times I've relapsed, and will continue to relapse but I've learned for the most part to obey. I love the message Pastor Bobby gave this weekend on taking things to the next level. I realized I have put myself on cruise control though not necessarily in my walk, though in a round about way it has. I have my friends that I adore, I have my church that I adore, but I haven't gone out and met many new people. Being open and loving to Christian siblings - even if they have hurt you - is an act of obedience but having the faith to not stereotype is another issue altogether. I had numerous chances to do that this weekend and I feel like I passed this first round of tests at the Harvest Crusade. Granted these were people I will probably never see again, except the people I was with of course. The only one I really knew before this weekend was the friend I made plans with... now I know I have three new friends.

Deut 30:11-20

I'm struggling with bitterness and heartbroken-ness and downcast-ness but I have no MAJOR complaints. God is good, He will get me through this time of trial. He did a year ago, He did in January and He will once again now. And He will again in 6 months when I'm "retarded" and allow this to happen again. It's a guy -- I have a short term memory, I always think he has changed and will treat me with respect as a sibling in Christ should. [I have to say as a sidenote, though, I have a feeling none of my friends will let me talk to him on a one-on-one basis again (and make sure I hear them rather than wave them off like "I know what I'm doing" as I have done in the recent past) or at least for an extremely long period of time.] And then I get majorly depressed and bitter for 2 or 3 weeks until I forget about what he did and he comes back apologizing.

Last night I had a divine appointment, even though I physically should not have been there with only 2 hours of sleep, at a ladies Bible Study with a friend. I had a meeting near her church till 7 and had no real good reason not to go. Each of us took a set of verses and read then. The set I read was Deut 30:11-20... when I read verse 14, I fought the tears... major, major conviction. Deut 30:14 in the English Standard Version says "14But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it." Though I struggle with the bitterness now, I know reading the word not only brings healing, but keeps me focused on Godly things. The two greatest commands are "love God and love others" and regardless of what people do to you, we are required to love them, no matter what. Yes, I meant to say that two different ways in the same sentence. :) Because that's what God said. This verse gives me encouragement because as long as I'm reading God's word every single day, I CAN and WILL overcome the bitterness, brokenness and downcastness.

This verse also reminds me of Romans: When we were still enemies of God, He sent His son to die for us! I think of two friendships I have lost recently (neither was my doing). It is hard forgiving because they don't realize they are wrong and therefore will probably never ask for forgiveness. But God calls us to love our enemies (NonChristians) AND our friends (Christians). Romans reminds me why I need to forgive people who have wrongs me, Deut 30:14 gives me the avenue (the Bible) to be able to do so.

Napolean Dynamite, Part 2

I recently read a book called When People are Big and God is Small. Started out I was being lame and was just asking someone if they had the book just so I could say "I found your blog -- ha ha" It backfired but there was a reason I read it and was to discuss it. It has given me a LOT to think about, I am amazed at how much this book has impacted me.



I remember being stuck on Chapter 5 ... the title is "The World Wants Me to Fear People". While processing the movie Napolean Dynamite, I realized that there is an underlying theme to the movie. I'm not sure if other people over analyze things as I do, or if they saw the movie and just saw the slapstick parts in it and laughed or if the theme I found from it was realized by many in addition to the slapstick parts (because I was laughing too).



One thing I noticed from the movie is how many instances of popular kids vs the unpopular kids there were. I cringed the first few times, but I enjoyed seeing an unpopular kid end up becoming class president over this stuck up cheerleader. :) The world teaches us in high school to "fear" the popular folk. That if someone does not have the right clothes or right appearance, that person is not worthy of being in the popular circle.



There was one gal who never overcome the unpopular title, but her attitude and appearance changed. The best line in the movie, for me, was when she said to Napolean "I don't need to take herbal supplements to feel good about myself." I liked was Deb and watching her transformation through the movie. Not just her appearance, though that was a great change too. As for her appearance, she started out with the typical 80s hair do with the one ponytail on the side of her head but by the end she had it down rather than wearing it in a ponytail. She reminded me of Tula from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" or Mia in "The Princess Diaries".

Though all three of these characters are fictional, it gives me the challenge to overcome all the labels I've been given, especially recently. I won't even get into those, that is a major tangent. But, I couldn't help but find the comparison to those three movies and the book.. filled with symbolism about how one should look on the outside as opposed to how one should look on the inside.

Napolean Dynamite

Interesting movie. I decided I wasn't going to see the movie in 2004 when it came out in the theater because it looked dumb. But, a group of people were going to watch it last night at a friend's house, so I thought I'd stop being a party pooper and be there to see it and see if I had just judged it wrong. Well, not really... it was total slapstick... and I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was in the right frame of mind. But there is a deep meaning to this movie... one I'm not sure most people pick up on. I want to explore that soon, in my next post, hopefully tomorrow.

I can't get the movie out of my head. :)

Thankful.

I am thankful I have such a wonderful church family. There is so much I can say about why I think God brought me back to Compass even though I "assured" people I would probably not end up back there after leaving the other group I was in. Yeah, but what do I know? ha ha

Pastor Jon said today that he can already name a lot of reasons humanly speaking why I’m back at CBC but asked me why I think God brought me back. The only thing I can think of is family. God wanted me away from CBC while things were forming with this group, knew I needed to be around people my age, so He provided a path for me to get there through the group at the other church. Regardless of why things ended up so badly there is a moot point now, but it ended badly and I met quite a few fake people. With this group at CBC so far, there is nothing but love and respect for me. I’m not saying people will not irk me and let me down here, but the chances are much greater at CBC that there will be fewer fake people.

update

The endoscopy went well..... nothing is wrong, I just have to work harder and watch my portions and stay true to the protein thing. So far it hasn't worked. LoL.

I have officially sent my resignation "letter" to the folks I talked to on a regular basis at the Calvary group. Of the 10 people, as expected only three responded.... well, one hasn't and I worry about her silence. But I know she supports me and will continue talking to me regardless. I can't say the same about the other 7. But, if they don't continue a friendship outside the group, were they really my friends to begin with? I know, a rhetorical question, but still. :) One of the people that did respond is a guy and he has a ton of wisdom. He's in school this semester but wanted to post a picture of him and me from the retreat.... I was totally not feeling good in this picture, but still managed to look fairly good. Cheeks are red from being COLD not from blushing. Seriously. :)

Update

Wow, it has certainly been a while. Thought I would post an update of sorts.

This is an overall update on my health... just scratching the surface though I do feel God moving in me on some points...

I've been thinking: There is no way I can do the 40 poundage loss. I'm sticking with my 25 pound loss goal for the year. If I lose more, then fabulous.


This Friday I am having an endoscopy... like a colonoscopy but it's in the mouth down to the upper part of the stomach. This is STRONGLY recommended for patients that are 1 year post surgery who are able to eat large amounts of food (relatively speaking) and/or are not losing or are in fact gaining weight... this ensures the opening will go back to 1 cm if it isn't. If anything, it will show me that I just have to work harder and that there is nothing wrong.


Going to Calvary is taking up way too much time. I have taken a break from going for the past month which initially started because I had some kind of virus in my chest and was going to be back in January. Well, January came and I decided with some insight from a new acquaintance that I should take another month. She and I have been talking throughout this month and for the sake of my health -- both physically and mentally -- I have decided that I have no other option but to continue the break for another month and re-evaluate in March. I need to take care of my health right now... I have very limited energy and need to preserve that for during the week at work. I have no idea at all where this will lead me in terms of church, but I will obviously be visiting Compass. But, maybe God is leading me back to Compass, showing me that it is my true church family (warts and all), and it's just a matter of time before I am back there on a regular basis. I do know that for some reason God wants me to confront some negativity I have towards some people. And that He thinks it's time, even though I don't feel it is.


And... speaking of limited energy: a few weeks ago I got my blood work back and my thyroid levels are low again. So doc has increased me to 300 mcg daily. And my growth hormone levels are almost as low as they were before I started the injections for my pituitary gland. So he's starting me back. New insurance with UCI requires pre-authorization, which was supposed to be approved last Thurs but there was some red tape and I have to wait an additional week. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful doctor who got on the phone personally with insurance and I was told the doc's office will call me when they hear from insurance. I do know the energy will increase once I begin again on the injections as well as the weight loss!

Once the injections get going, I will also have my thoughts in line with Phil 4:8 which is the verse I have been concentrating on for the past month.... to combat any negativity that comes at me.


8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
(English Standard Version)


I guess I also cannot forget the verse so familiar to me as well lately... although God is constantly doing new things in our lives, some times are much more apparent than others. Isaiah 43:18-19 18"Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. 19 Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert. (English Standard Version)