Thoughts from the Harvest Crusade

I went to my first Harvest Crusade in 1991 or 1992 at the Pacific Ampitheater. Then again the first year it was at Angel Stadium. But I have not gone since... I've tried to go a few times the past three years but something always came up.

This year I was determined.

Of course, I AM a Christian so I would not be making my way down to the field.... but I just wanted to go because Michael W Smith was going to be there on Sunday August 17. *silly grin*. Even knowing Compass had a beach bonfire thingy. Yes, silly. Yes, childish. Yes, selfish. So I made plans with a gal I know to meet on Sunday and she said "You should sit with 'us' though I don't know who all is going to be there." I said "Sure." Now this was a huge risk to go somewhat blindly for many reasons, but none I care to explore, at least publicly. :)

After an insanely horrible week [I prefer not to dwell on it, my thoughts are quite positive right now], I called my friend on Thurs and told her I'd be there on Fri night. I went for purely selfish reasons, because I needed someone or something to comfort me. God showed me quite a few things, including how a born again Christian CAN and often times DOES get spoken to at these!

I realized how much some of the people I was with has changed in the 9 months it has been since seeing them. But, more importantly, I realize how much I have changed. And I have seen it with my own eyes. For ME to see something and realize something pertaining to me there must be a huge change that has occurred. I am often my own worst enemy, but I'm no different than any other human being who is just as critical of themself.

I used to be a terrified person. Not just terrified, paranoid. Paranoid if a group of people looked over in my direction, they were talking about me. And only me. Paranoid that if I said something stupid (yeah, like THAT ever happens... hehe) or said it with the wrong tone of voice, people would hate me and never talk to me again. Paranoid that if I talked to a "gasp!" guy, he would automatically think I'm in love with them. Over the past few months, reading different things and being counseled by a pastor who I can now say is a friend, I realize the only thing or person to fear is the one who can destroy the body AND the soul. Doesn't matter that numerous times I've relapsed, and will continue to relapse but I've learned for the most part to obey. I love the message Pastor Bobby gave this weekend on taking things to the next level. I realized I have put myself on cruise control though not necessarily in my walk, though in a round about way it has. I have my friends that I adore, I have my church that I adore, but I haven't gone out and met many new people. Being open and loving to Christian siblings - even if they have hurt you - is an act of obedience but having the faith to not stereotype is another issue altogether. I had numerous chances to do that this weekend and I feel like I passed this first round of tests at the Harvest Crusade. Granted these were people I will probably never see again, except the people I was with of course. The only one I really knew before this weekend was the friend I made plans with... now I know I have three new friends.

Deut 30:11-20

I'm struggling with bitterness and heartbroken-ness and downcast-ness but I have no MAJOR complaints. God is good, He will get me through this time of trial. He did a year ago, He did in January and He will once again now. And He will again in 6 months when I'm "retarded" and allow this to happen again. It's a guy -- I have a short term memory, I always think he has changed and will treat me with respect as a sibling in Christ should. [I have to say as a sidenote, though, I have a feeling none of my friends will let me talk to him on a one-on-one basis again (and make sure I hear them rather than wave them off like "I know what I'm doing" as I have done in the recent past) or at least for an extremely long period of time.] And then I get majorly depressed and bitter for 2 or 3 weeks until I forget about what he did and he comes back apologizing.

Last night I had a divine appointment, even though I physically should not have been there with only 2 hours of sleep, at a ladies Bible Study with a friend. I had a meeting near her church till 7 and had no real good reason not to go. Each of us took a set of verses and read then. The set I read was Deut 30:11-20... when I read verse 14, I fought the tears... major, major conviction. Deut 30:14 in the English Standard Version says "14But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it." Though I struggle with the bitterness now, I know reading the word not only brings healing, but keeps me focused on Godly things. The two greatest commands are "love God and love others" and regardless of what people do to you, we are required to love them, no matter what. Yes, I meant to say that two different ways in the same sentence. :) Because that's what God said. This verse gives me encouragement because as long as I'm reading God's word every single day, I CAN and WILL overcome the bitterness, brokenness and downcastness.

This verse also reminds me of Romans: When we were still enemies of God, He sent His son to die for us! I think of two friendships I have lost recently (neither was my doing). It is hard forgiving because they don't realize they are wrong and therefore will probably never ask for forgiveness. But God calls us to love our enemies (NonChristians) AND our friends (Christians). Romans reminds me why I need to forgive people who have wrongs me, Deut 30:14 gives me the avenue (the Bible) to be able to do so.